A Very Original Story
by Spring Sunrise
Summary: Alternate titles: Isabel Returns, Defeating the Vespers, or Amy and Ian Spontaneously Make Up! It's every bad cliche you've ever seen rolled up into one big parody! Well, maybe not so big. Two-shot.
1. Isabel Returns, or Defeating the Vespers

"... frankly, they make Isabel Kabra look like Mother Teresa" - Fiske Cahill, Into the Gauntlet by Margaret Peterson Haddix

Dan Cahill was bored. Just sitting around and talking was not something he particularly enjoyed, especially when he was sitting around and talking with a bunch of relatives who had tried to kill him and his sister, Amy. But here he was, seated at a table with Amy; their distant cousins Ian and Natalie Kabra; Sinead, Ned, and Ted Starling; Hamilton Holt; and Jonah Wizard. Double-crossing Uncle Alistair was also part of the group. Just a few weeks ago this meeting would have seemed impossible, but this unlikely collection of Cahills had gathered for very important purpose: to devise a strategy for defeating the Vespers.

Although not much was known about this shadowy group, Amy and Dan's great-uncle Fiske Cahill, the brother of their late grandmother Grace, had warned them just how dangerous they could be. As the group talked, Amy recalled Fiske's forbidding words: "... frankly, they make Isabel Kabra look like Mother Teresa." As far as Amy was concerned, Isabel Kabra was the most evil and dangerous person in the world. She couldn't imagine anyone more dangerous. Even her own two children, Ian and Natalie, were terrified of her.

Speaking of Isabel...

"Hello, darlings. Did you miss me?" asked the chilling voice of Isabel Kabra.

* * *

The response of the Cahills was not exactly what Isabel had expected.

"Not now, Isabel," Dan told her. "We're busy with more important things right now." Couldn't anything interesting happen at this meeting? Maybe he would throw a spitball at Ian and see what color the cobra's face turned when his fancy clothes got ruined. It was a good thing Dan just so happened to be have some paper on him. Because that was exactly the kind of thing Dan would be carrying around with him. Paper. In case he wanted to... well, he didn't really like to write that much...

Isabel was shocked. "What could be more important than me? How is that possible? You're all just going to ignore me like I don't present a threat at all? Like I don't deserve notice? Aren't you even going to ask why I'm not in jail right now?"

"You're a threat, all right. You're just not the most important one right now. So, yeah, we're just going to blow you off," Hamilton told her. "Where were we?" He turned to Alistair. "I think you were saying something about thinking the Vespers have a stronghold?"

Alistair coughed. "It is merely a theory of mine, but I believe it is correct. If all four branches... er, five," he corrected with a glance at Amy and Dan, "have strongholds, then I believe it would make sense for the Vespers to construct their own."

There were some nods around the table.

Isabel, meanwhile, would not be ignored. "How can you blow me off like that?" Isabel asked, still fuming. "I killed your parents!" she said, looking at Dan and Amy. "I tried to kill you, too! Multiple times!" They decided not to waste time responding to the dangerous murderer and continued discussing the Vespers. Isabel turned toward Ian and Natalie.

"And I am your parent! You can't blow off you own mother!"

"Well, one might say that you can't shoot you own daughter, " Ian told her coldly. "Yet, apparently, you can."

"Yo, that was not cool, yo" Jonah added. The others all nodded their agreement and resumed their conversation. Isabel just stood there, seething, and wondered how those miserable idiots could ignore someone as dangerous as Isabel Kabra.

* * *

Quote of the Day: "Families are messy. Immortal families are eternally messy. Sometimes the best we can do is remind each other we're related, for better or for worse...and try to keep the maiming and killing to a minimum." - Hermes, Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan


	2. Amy and Ian Spontaneously Make Up

Sometime during the discussion, the word "Korea" was mentioned. How it came up is a mystery to this day, but what is important is the effect that it had on Amy and Ian. Although Amy had apparently gotten over "The Korea Incident" and had moved on by the time she met Kurt in South Africa, tears began to form in her eyes when she heard the dreaded word. Ian, unable to stand the sight of his lovely Amy so miserable, immediately apologized.

"Amy, love!" he cried.

"I th-th-thought th-tha-that I t-told you n-not to c-ca-call me th-that," Amy said, stuttering despite having lost her stutter during the clue hunt. Funnily enough, although Ian had listened to her when she had told him not to call her "love" in Russia, this time he decided to completely ignore her wishes in what a disturbing amount of people considered to be a move.

"I cannot tell you how deeply sorry I tried to trap you in cave and leave you for dead, love! Can you ever forgive me, love?"

Amy began to sob. "H-h-h-how c-c-c-an I f-f-forgive you when you tr-tried to k-k-k-k-kill me?" she asked.

"My evil sister Natalie made me do it, love! It's all her fault, love! I really, truly, love you, love! Please forgive me, love! Besides, love, I am very impressed with your new fashion sense."

Amy stopped crying and blushed. When the clue hunt had ended, she had suddenly started wearing designer clothes. And amazingly uncomfortable shoes. And make-up. And jewelry. But she was still shy and didn't like to call attention to herself. Otherwise, she wouldn't be Amy. And then it wouldn't be Amian!

"Okay!" Amy told Ian. They two began to kiss.

"Wait," Natalie said. "We were only trying to make it _look_ like we were trying to leave you to die, not actually try to kill you. It said so in the tenth book."

"And how was it _Natalie_ who made Ian do it? They made it clear in the third book that it was Vikram who made Ian do it," Alistair added. "And if I recall correctly, when Ian gave his and Natalie's clues to Daniel, he said they should have stopped listening to Isabel in Korea." An expression of confusion crossed his face. "So was it Vikram or Isabel who made you do it, Ian?"

Ian stopped kissing Amy long enough to respond to Alistair's question. He shrugged and said "Both, I suppose," and went back to kissing his new girlfriend.

"Wait, how do we even know what it said in the books? As far as I know, none of us even _knew_ there were books written about us," Hamilton asked. No one bothered to answer him.

Dan and Natalie seemed to suddenly realize that their siblings were kissing.

"Amy! I can't believe that you're kissing that cobra!" Dan cried, standing up. Natalie whipped out her dart gun and pointed it at Amy.

"You filthy peasant!" she screeched. Amy and Ian ignored her. Dan and Natalie saw no one was paying attention to them, so Dan sat back down and Natalie put her dart gun back in her designer purse. The meeting continued. It is unknown whether or not the Cahills ever devised a strategy to defeat the Vespers, as is whatever happened to the other Cahills. For now, Amy and Ian had their happy ending, and that's all anyone cares about, right? Well, except for the Dan/Natalie shippers, but that's another story.

* * *

_Quote of the Day: _"Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!" - Albus Dumbledore, _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_ by J. K. Rowling

* * *

"Aren't you forgeting something - or some_one_ important?" Isabel asked. "Someone who seemed - and was - important in the last chapter - and _still_ is?"

The author of the story looked at her.

"No, I don't know what or whom you are talking abou- wait! Yes, there is someone very important I have forgotten about!" Isabel appeared slightly less annoyed until the author asked "Did Gordon Klose finally arrive?"

This story will end now because the author is trying to escape an insane pyromani-


End file.
